Oh God, Tell Me It Isn't True

Tell me that I'm an exception, please please PLEASE!.

children who have poor handwriting in first grade are likely to have trouble with written expression when they are older

-Taken from the University of Washington Office of News and Information.

I have often been accused of being a doctor. Were I to attempt to disguise myself as such, there is no doubt in my mind that I could. Like Matt Damon in Catch Me If You Can. When I was in the army they made me re-learn how to sign my name. I thought that was stupid, and promptly forgot the brain-manipulation as soon as I was on the airplane home. One good part of being in the army was that I met some interesting people.

One person I met was from a small town outside Dallas. He got ran over by a car and sued the insurance for a half-million dollars. Then he spent it all on the girls in his high-school, because he didn't know any other girls to spend it on. He felt pretty shitty about that, and used the change in his pocket to buy some booze. He told me that they don't card minors down there like they do everywhere else. He spent a week in the cups before he was run over again. He sued the insurance for a half-million dollars. He said that this time he learned his lesson, so he went into the army. When he was in the army he got a nasty bad case of shin splints. They were so bad that his shin-bones started to pull apart. The army kicked him out. The last time I saw him he told me he was going to use his money to build a skatepark.

Another person I met was from Toledo. He was a smoker, just like I was. He and I used to sneak cigarettes, because you aren't allowed to smoke during your first six weeks in the army. I thought that constituted cruel and unusual punishment. They should at least tell you that in the brochures, so you know exactly what sort of terror and nightsweats you'll have to deal with. He was kicked out for fraternizing with a girl from Charlie Company. You are apparently not supposed to do that sort of thing. They lined us all up on the grounds and then paraded Charlie Company, which was exclusively female, in front of us. This was when they said,
-You are not allowed to touch any of these women. Fraternization is against the rules.

I don't think that any of us actually believed them when they said it. It wasn't until they kicked out Toledo that we got the fear. I think that he would have gotten away with it if he just would have shut up. One morning when we were coming back from PT we saw Charlie Company entering their barracks. Every one of the women had a small plastic bag.

Toledo asked,
-Why they have those bags?

Somebody else said,
-I heard they got the crabs.

-All of them have the crabs?

-That's the way I heard it.

This was when Toledo started freaking out.
-I don't want to have the crabs! I don't want them! Please tell me I don't have them. Drill Sergeant Valentine, I think I need to see the doc.

He was crying. I think that maybe he was scared of getting VD or something, even though crabs really aren't VD.

The last time I saw Toledo, he was in a stall in the bathroom. He said,
-Love, I just crapped and pissed at the same time. I've never done that before. What's it mean, Love?

I told him that I didn't know, having never crapped and pissed at the same time either.