Anonymous, Episode One

What is this Anonymous thing? It is a semi-regular column wherein I explore the mystery of the human condition by documenting random snippets of conversation that I have had the extreme misfortune of overhearing.

As the project is a serious project regarding a serious subject (the human condition), I will approach it with a historian's mindset. That is, in order to properly communicate the historical significance of any particular observation, certain artistic liberties will be taken.

For example:

a man said,

-I fucked your cat last night.

I thought that this was interesting, and relevant to the stated purpose of the project, and so I transcribed it. However, understanding that brevity is the soul of clarity, and also the soul of any well-executed enterprise utilizing the internet as its medium, I did not record the entirety of the conversation, which was this:

Man A: I fucked your wife last night.
Man B: Congratulations. The reason I wasn't home was because I was at your house fucking the cat.
Man A: You fucked Mr. Whiskers?
Man B: God's honest truth.
Man A: You are a dirty bastard. You stay the hell away from my cat.