The Future Is A Monkey

Think about it. I have.

There has always been a question lurking in the recesses of my mind, a question that has refused to go away, a question that many science-fiction movies and books and television shows have tried to answer: What will humanity evolve into? What is the next step?

After watching these movies and television shows and reading the books, I decided that if the greatest minds in conceptual fiction couldn't figure it out, what would be the harm in letting myself have a go at it?

After much deliberation, after much time spent in the company of both grey matter and white matter, after much pounding and skull-screeching and mind-numbing barbarism, I didn't figure it out. I was clueless. The best I could do was think that maybe we will all have really big heads.

Then one morning I was on the throne, as I am most mornings, looking at the wall that separates me from my next-door neighbors, and I had a Eureka! moment. It really is a shame that such moments have to come when I'm in the middle of doing that sort of thing, because my immediate compulsion is to stand up, shout Eureka!, and run down the street.

Anyway, I have figured it out. In a golden blaze of intellectual glory all the heavens opened their dark maws before me, the atomic giblets exploding forth in a frothy jismatic display of Truth! Verily the Won Troth! The Question to Which the Answer is Forty-Two!

In an aside, if a black hole can be likened to an asshole, a white hole can be likened to...

A monkey! Yes, the next step in the evolutionary ladder is a monkey! Not just any monkey, no no, but a chimpanzee monkey. It makes so much sense. Everybody loves chimpanzees. They are just the damnedest little guys. And when you get them smoking, or you dress them up like nazis...Well, there isn't anything funnier in the whole wide universe than a chimpanzee French libertine using a guillotine to chop the heads off of the aristocracy.

The way I figure it, the reason that everybody loves chimpanzees is because everybody secretly wants to be a chimpanzee. Let your inner monkey free, they say. Let your inner chimpanzee free, I say. And every major religion always says, Be careful what you wish for, because there's this crazy pseudo-karmic law wherein you most likely get what it is that you most want. But what if everybody really wants to be a chimpanzee? We will be chimpanzees. It is the next step. Prepare thyselfs.

But where is the evidence, Love? Is the question that I next asked myself. A revelation, no matter how intensely and uncomfortably and obviously undeniably unquestionable, will nevertheless undoubtedly be subjected to a hemorrhagic peer review process. I needed proof before the community would accept this for what it is. And I found it.

Do you remember when those chimpanzees were celebrating their birthdays at an animal sanctuary and broke free and went crazy nuts vicious and mauled the birthday-givers? Here, let me remind you. This is taken from the Boston Globe:

Ferocity of chimpanzee attack stuns medics, leaves questions...
'I had no idea a chimpanzee was capable of doing that to a human," said Kern County Fire Captain Curt Merrell...
Davis, who remained in critical condition Friday, was badly disfigured. According to his wife, he lost all the fingers from both hands, an eye, part of his nose, cheek and lips, and part of his buttocks. His foot was mutilated and his heel bone was cracked.

Of course, they don't tell you about Mr. Davis having his testicles bitten off. Whatever.

What? I can assure you that this is indeed proof. I know that you are thinking, that's just an example of a feral animal. Feral animals, as you know, can be quite dangerous. Yes, they can be. A pack of wild, ex-domesticated dogs can be extremely dangerous. But the attack isn't what bothered people about this. People really wouldn't have noticed so much had the chimps simply killed the guy and been about their merrily-savage newly-found free way. What bothered people was because it seemed so deliberate. I mean, the chimps ate his testicles. And bit his nose off. And his ass. Sucked an eye out. I cannot imagine a dog doing that. Or any other animal either, outside of the ape family.

Let's recap. A feral dog might attack you. A feral cat might attack you. A feral dog or cat would not hamstring you and then when you are on the ground screaming as though your life depended on it, which it probably does, urinate in your mouth out of spite. I have a creepy feeling that a chimpanzee just might. Which is why we love those little guys. As opposed to other animals turning feral and becoming savage because humans taught them how, chimpanzees turn feral by letting free their inner person. They don't need to be taught how. Just like people have a 'lizard brain,' chimpanzees have a 'human brain.' And nothing is more obscenely flattering to a person than realizing that maybe life as a person isn't such a bad thing after all if a higher-lifeform chooses, subconsciously or not, to indulge in a little humanity.

It's true. You should listen to me. I am the voice in the wilderness. It's all part of the cycle. What goes around comes around. The circle of life. What has been, will be again. It's true.


...frothy display of jismatic fury? How does the Almighty, creator of all of Creation, come up with these things? There really is nothing stranger than reality. Sometimes I think that the good Lord is a good Lunatic. Maybe he should be put in an asylum. He is obviously unstable, creating things like that. Couldn't he have shown me the Truth! in a less sexually explicit way?