Use The News

For all you free internet porn perverts out there, there is a better way. But then, if you've been doing the free thing for awhile, you probably already know this. So there's viruses and shit and worms and trojans and popup spam! that plagues every promiscuous pervert on the net just surfing around, trying to hook himself up. But there is a better way, my brethren! Use the newsgroups, man, use the news. The news is your friend.

Except when you accidentally download some pictures of Russian twelve-year olds. What is it with Russians and the child porn? Seriously. First there's Nabokov. Well, he probably wasn't the first. After all, it's been said that there's a reason why all those naked Greek statues have faces like little boys, and are hung like little boys (of course, it's also been said that maybe those ancient Greeks were just small. But I don't think that anybody seriously believes that). But Nabokov may be the most important figure in the contemporary sense. He did coin the word Lolita (or maybe he just popularized it. I don't know). You don't see too many sites saying things like, "Get your Tadzios here! Free Naked Tadzios!!! Tadzio on Tadzio, good stuff!! Or, My very own Tadzio brother fucks my mom in the ass, and she likes it, because you can see her smile a lot in the pictures that are way too polished to actually be of my brother and mom." Tadzio being, for those of you not in the know, the young young Polish boyobject of Gustave Aschenbach's obsession in Thomas Mann's "Death in Venice." And Mann was German, and those Ancient Greeks were Greek, so maybe Russians don't have a proprietary license on childporn. Or maybe they do, but it's not an historic license, and it all started with Nabokov. Damn that Nabokov and his single-handed demolition of everything pure in Russian culture! Or maybe it's a global industry catering exclusively to middle-aged white Americans, because that's where all the money's at. Damn those Americans and their childporn imperialism! And their capitalist vices!